Orange Juice
by sunburntdaisy
Summary: What if Susan's last day before the big scene at Union Station hadn't gone quite to plan? When you squeeze an Orange you get... When you squeeze a person what's inside come's out.
1. squeeze

She smiled at the cactus shaped cake and swapped the white coat over her shoulders for the brown fake leather in her locker and a lime scarf. Refusing to look at the photos taped on the front of her locker, she pulled off the name tag and headed to admittance.

"Signing off." She put the tag in front of Randi on the desk.

"Good luck in Phoenix Dr. Lewis." Randi got back to her phone conversation, fiddling with Susan's nametag absentmindedly.

Susan couldn't leave quite yet. She looked at the exit and headed to exam one to say goodbye.

"Is there anything I can do?" Susan asked.

"Susan! What are you still doing here?" Carol keep busily working on the patient.

Susan walked on. One person she had to see...

But he did the same thing. The patient came first. That was the job. He prompted Maggie but she knew what she was doing. Mark wouldn't look at her. Maggie didn't need his help but he needed the distraction. Goodbye was not what he wanted to say to her.

She backed out of the room and let her eyes linger on him one last time before heading for the exit.

She'd almost crossed the threshold, the guilt of not saying goodbye already weighing on her shoulders.

Lydia's scream called her attention.

She turned back as a middle aged man waved a gun in her general direction. "You! Get away from the door."

She gasped and followed the few other people near the doorway as the gunman ushered them toward admittance. He returned the gun to Lydia's neck and continued shouting abuse.

"You don't want to do this pal." Al held his hands up and stepped forward, his fear perfectly evident in his eyes as this crazed patient held his wife's life on the line.

"I'm not pal of yours." The gunman pointed the gun at Al who stopped walking. He looked at Lydia, his eyes desperate to give her comfort. She returned the look.

Susan looked over to where Mark was working – through swing doors, only fifteen, maybe twenty meters away. He was about to come out. She could see Maggie still working but Mark was headed to the door. She looked at him willing him to see her.

He did.

She shook her head furiously. He just looked confused and smiled goofily. She held up nine fingers, then one, then one again. He took a moment to comprehend her and held up his hand like a phone.

She nodded and watched him tell Maggie to call the cops as he pushed through the door. "What's going on?"

"Nice try sweetheart." The gunman grabbed Susan.

Mark stopped where he was, his breath catching in his throat as one word escaped his lips unbidden, "Don't!"

"Hey. This is the one. You're the one who gave her those pills." The gunman ignored Mark, holding the gun under Susan's jaw and talking to her almost intimately.

She blinked, terrified and completely clueless as to what he was talking about.

"Buddy, you need to put the gun down." Mark stepped forward slowly.

"I don't think so _buddy_. This lady killed my girlfriend and now she's gonna pay."

Susan saw the fear in Mark's eyes.

"Don't." She croaked as Mark leapt forward to grab the gun.

The gunman turned and it went off in a blur as Mark took both Susan and the gunman to the ground.

Al rushed to them, pulling the gunman up and pinning him against a wall.

Susan pulled herself up in shock.

Mark tried to get up but found no strength in his arms and fell back down.

Doug appeared at his side. "Hey, you okay?"

Mark nodded and tried to get up again.

Doug caught him as he fainted. "Susan, grab that gurney." Panic edged into his voice.

Susan pulled the closest bed to them and helped Doug get him up. She searched his body with her eyes, immediately spotting a spreading red stain under his left ribs.

She sprang into action, barking orders, desperately trying to ignore the fact that he'd been trying to save her. She knew she was too personally involved. But it was Mark, who wasn't?


	2. juice

When Mark woke he found Susan standing by his bed, watching him.

"Hey." She came closer when she saw his eyes open.

"What happened?" he asked groggily.

She swallowed. "You got shot." She took a deep breath. "They took out your spleen. A guy came into the ER with a gun."

"It's okay, I remember." He stopped her.

"Don't do that again." She shook her head, unable to keep emotion at bay.

"He was going to kill you."

"And he could have killed you."

"I'm fine."

She sighed and let silence fill the space between them. She didn't want to fight with him.

"Hey, weren't you meant to catch a train today?"

"Yesterday. It's two a.m."

"You're not going?" his voice gave away how pleased the prospect made him.

"I have to." She whispered and sat down.

"Yeah. I know. Suzie needs you."

"How are you feeling?" She didn't want to think about leaving.

"Like I got shot." He didn't want to think about the hold up.

"Why did you have to jump in? The cops were only a minute away."

"I don't know... I didn't think... I just did it..." He sighed. He could tell her the truth. What's the worst that could happen? She could leave. Hell, the worst was happening anyway. He met her eyes. She looked so sad and confused and concerned. "He was about to kill you."

"I know. I was there. The gun was pressed into my neck. Kinda hard to ignore."

"So you expect me to just watch that? Susan, I love you." The words left his mouth and he was almost as shocked to hear them as she was. "I mean..." he sighed. "There, I said it. I love you. If I'd watched him shoot you I would have died anyway."

She shook her head in disbelief. "Why?"

"Are you kidding? You're so beautiful. You're an amazing doctor. You're my best friend." He smiled, "I've never had that before."

She didn't reply. She didn't know what to say.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. But at least you know the truth. And there was a slim to none chance that you might feel the same way and stay... what can I say? It was worth the risk."

"Mark, I do love you." The words came so easily. She took his hand as his eyes registered her words and silent tears ran down her face.

He smiled slightly. "Then stay."

"I can't." she looked away.

The silence was deadly. He knew she meant it. "I should get some sleep." He said coldly.

She tore herself away, refusing to meet his eyes, walking away like she had some place else to be. Outside the room she stopped and leant back on the door, forgetting it had a window in it.

He watched her drop her head into her hands, her shoulders shaking.


	3. pips

He didn't see her for five days and assumed she'd gone to Phoenix. He wished he could take back those final words but maybe this was for the best. Almost a clean cut.

Then he saw her through the window in the door. She looked much the same as she had that night she left. Maybe he was seeing things. Maybe he was dreaming.

He shut his eyes and didn't open them until the door opened.

"Hey." She smiled sadly.

"I thought you'd gone."

"Not yet. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Looking forward to going home."

She was all too aware he meant her apartment. "Yeah, the nurse said. Actually, I'm here to sign you out." She picked up his chart. "Go on and get changed, I'll be right back."

She'd hoped to be unaffected but leaving wasn't getting any easier.

He got dressed quickly, hoping she wouldn't maintain this professional distance like she seemed to be doing so well. He knew it was partly the pain meds, but he wasn't going to be able to keep up a safe distance of dishonesty just to make her leaving easier. He didn't want it to be easy.

He sat on the edge of his bed, a bag beside him.

"You ready?" she came back in, avoiding his eyes like the plague.

"Sure." He got up.

She handed him the paperwork and several boxes – pain meds, antibiotics. "You had breakfast yet?"

"Not really. I wasn't hungry." He sought her eyes but she avoided his.

"Do you want to get something at doc's?"

"Sure."

He was still angry.

She could tell. And fair enough. She wasn't her biggest fan right now either.


	4. the core of the matter

They sat down with coffee, waiting for their orders to come. There was so much to be said but where to start...?

"When are you going?" he ventured.

"Ah, I have three days."

"Oh."

She was a fool and she knew it. He'd saved her life. Not to mention that he'd risked his own to do it. He was her best friend. She'd never had that before either. She'd never loved like this. She'd never been loved like this. It was terrifying for sure. But only a fool would walk away.

"Mark..." she started.

"No. Don't. Don't say things. Don't say you're sorry and leave anyway."

"I have to leave." He was making this difficult and she was angry at him for it. she took a deep breath. "I only wanted to say that I love you and please never doubt it." She finally met his eyes, pleading for mercy. "What am I supposed to do? I don't want to make promises. I have three days. Can we have just three days?" she begged, swallowing her tears and blinking in a last ditch attempt to pass this off without an emotional scene.

He was disarmed instantly, reaching across the table, wiping her tears, the warmth of her skin burning his fingertips.

He was tired. His body was still healing though the skin looked all but healed. She took him home and he left the door open. It was her decision. Stay or leave.

He lay down on the sofa, holding his side to keep the skin from stressing, though the stitches had dissolved.

Susan wanted to keep busy. She knew he needed rest so she tidied up a bit – he'd barely touched his unpacking. The kitchen was bare so she wrote him a note and left to get groceries.

He still slept when she got back. She put away the shopping and sat on the couch beside his legs. He needed to take his meds before the pain woke him, reminding him the hard way.

"Mark." She touched his shoulder.

He opened his eyes mumbling, "Yeah?"

She smiled and helped him sit up, giving him a glass of water and several pills.

"Hey, I was wondering," he asked sleepily, "the guy who shot me... why did he go at you? He said something about his girlfriend but I can't remember."

"She ODed on her prescription. She'd been brought in earlier that day and she'll be fine – in fact better off now that her charming boyfriend is locked up."

"So all that for nothing?"

"I think it's a male thing – doing something stupid for a girl." She smiled, not wanting to go much deeper into any conversation about her 'last' day at county.

"I don't regret it but he might." Mark sat up more.

She watched him, thankful he didn't wince. "You're crazy."

"Yeah. You have this strange effect on me."

She took his hand looking at it thoughtfully.

"Look at me." He spoke softly.

She exhaled then looked up.

"You were right before. We have three days."

She smiled. Time wasn't exactly on their side so they couldn't waste it. He touched her face like it might break, kissing her too softly, drawing her into him.


	5. bitter rind

She turned off the alarm on her watch as soon as it went off. She hadn't slept well because she was waiting for it. Time to leave. Time to leave Mark. But the didn't want to wake him. She lifted his hand from her stomach and slipped out, putting the covers back down so he wouldn't feel the cold. She dressed in silence and opened the door to leave.

She had to say goodbye.

She put her luggage in the doorway and snuck back in. He looked so peaceful. He looked happy. She scrawled a note and put it on the pillow that was still hollowed out where her head had been. "I'll never forget you. Love Susan."

* * *

"You alright?" Doug slapped Mark on the shoulder playfully.

"Yeah." Mark lied and pretended to study the board.

"So she's gone eh?"

Mark nodded.

"You okay?"

Mark nodded again. Totally unconvincingly.

"There's more fish in the sea."

"Yeah." Mark ended the conversation.


	6. harvest

Mark flicked on the tv and sat back on the sofa to open his mail. One of the envelopes was a personal one so he saved it till last. There was no return address and no name. But he knew the hand writing.

_Dear Mark,_

_I should have written months ago but there was too much to be said that should never be said in a letter. You owe me nothing. But you need to know the truth._

_A couple of months after I left I found out I was pregnant. I didn't tell you because I was scared, because I was feeling really guilty for leaving and I thought I would be easier once that had subsided. Only I never really subsided. Long story short: our son James was born on September 16, three weeks premature. He's okay now – just a little underweight._

_I know this is a lot to take in. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I have a draw full of attempts to write this letter._

_James is so beautiful. I want him to know you but you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I don't want money. You owe me nothing. I just want James to know his dad._

_I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you but please don't let James suffer for it._

_Susan._

He read it countless times. Then he sprung into action.


	7. damage control

Susan watched James sleep. He looked so much like Mark when he was asleep. She knew she was supposed to sleep when he slept but she just wanted to wath him.

Then someone knocked at the door. She opened it expecting Chloe and Suzie. Apparently she was a no-appointment-necessary babysitting service.

"Mark!" she breathed in disbelief.

"Hi." He looked shocked to see her.

"Hey." She smiled slightly, still in shock.

"Sorry I didn't call I just..."

"No, don't worry about it... you want to come in?"

He nodded and followed her inside nervously.

"He's sleeping, but..." she opened James' door.

Mark swallowed and went inside the dim room. It was light outside but the curtains were closed.

Mark looked down into the crib, his eyes watery and wide, his mouth gaping, speechless.

"I'll leave you to..." Susan whispered and backed out.

Several minutes later mark followed and found her in the kitchen.

"Coffee? One sugar right?" she held out a steaming mug.

"Yeah. Thanks." He smiled. She'd remembered how he took his coffee.

"I only remembered cause I've been trying to tell James about you. I remember the oddest things. Mostly how you take your drinks and I think he's a bit young for that. And... I told him about Rachel and ice skating and the helicopter... plastering Carter's leg, the carnival... I promised I'd take him." She smiled, realizing she was rambling. "Maybe you could come too."

"Yeah." He smiled genuinely.

"I mean, you don't have to..."

"I want to." He insisted.

"I don't want you to feel... obligated."

Mark sighed. "The thing is, Jenn and Rachel moved to St Louis. I still see Rachel but Jenn is perfectly adamant that she doesn't need me. So if you'll let me... I don't want to miss anything." He shook his head.

"You decided this in the last five minutes?"

"No, it took two days of bribery and corruption to get time off and fly down here. I don't want to make the same mistakes twice."

"Okay." Susan nodded. She hadn't expected him to be this easy on her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"You had your reasons. I just wish I could have been there."

"I should have told you straight away, but after the way I left I just couldn't face you."

Mark looked sad. "People still asked about you for months – just assumed we'd kept in touch. Then it stopped. I think Doug spread the word."

"Sounds like Doug."

Mark grinned. "Dr. Intercom right?"

"Yeah – how is he? Did him and Carol ever...?"

"I don't think they've decided yet." He smiled

Susan laughed, "It's weird how two people who so clearly want to be together take so damn long to do it."

Mark shrugged. "We did."

Susan met his eyes and nodded. She took a deep breath and smiled. Too deep. Too personal. "So how have you been?"

He nodded and shrugged, "You know, just the usual."

"Kerry's still pelting you with olives, figuratively speaking?"

He nodded, "or stones, or bullets. I think it depends on the time of the month."

"Hey, there's more than the time of the month..." she laughed as Mark held his hands up in mock-surrender. Her laugh faded to an affectionate smile, "you look just the same."

"So do you. You look really good." He looked at the empty tea cup in his hand. "I should probably go." He put the cup on the bench.

"Where are you staying?"

"Holiday inn."

She nodded. "Why don't you stay till he wakes up?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, keep me company." She walked through to the lounge and he followed, sitting on the couch.

"You know, he looks like you?" Susan offered.

"Really?"

"Yeah." She smiled, "When he's sleeping – I dunno if you noticed – and... when he's angry at me... ironically."

"How is that ironic?"

"Oh. I dunno." She shrugged awkwardly.

"I was angry. You didn't even say goodbye."

"I couldn't do it." her voice came out as a whisper.

"It was a long time ago. You did what you had to do... it happens." He shrugged redundantly.

She let out a breath. "I missed you – and not just cause of James.

"I missed you too." He confessed.

She smiled sadly as awkward silence filled the space between them.

Fortunately James cried and pulled them out of the past into reality.

Mark followed at a safe distance. She turned on the light and went to the crib. Mark looked around the room. There wasn't much. But some photographs on the dresser grabbed his attention.

A baby one – must have been when he was just newborn, all chubby and wrinkled.

One of Susan holding him, looking at him. He wanted a copy of that.

And he recognized the last one. It was he and Susan at the photo booth. He smiled at the memory and the realization that Susan really wanted him here. He turned around.

Susan was bobbing James up and down. "James, this is your dad." She smiled.

James' big brown eyes looked at his dad and he waved a weak fist at him with a cheeky smile. He then tried to put the same fist in his mouth.

Mark smiled, hoping Susan couldn't see how full his eyes were.

She could. "Do you want to hold him?"

Mark nodded wordlessly, not taking his eyes off James. He went to him happily.

"I'm just gonna heat up a bottle." Susan left.

Mark was still dumbfounded. He was already a Dad but somehow this was no less miraculous.

"Hey James." His smile was wavering between laughter and tears. "You are so beautiful." He breathed.

James laughed, looking Mark in the eye.

Mark had to laugh too – just a little breathless silent laugh, filled with awe. "I love you." He kissed James' forehead and heard Susan's breath catch in her throat. she'd been watching from the doorway.

"Here you go." She handed Mark the bottle. And he held it to James' mouth.

"Thank you for... he's incredible. I'm glad you told me."

"I wanted to for so long."

"It's okay. We don't have to go over that again.

She nodded and took a deep breath.

Mark couldn't take his eyes off the child in his arms. He didn't want to leave. Ever. It was one of those cold grey afternoons when you just want to be at home. And he hadn't felt so at home in a long time. He'd been living in her apartment and it stubbornly refused to become home because she wasn't there. He'd been here for all of an hour and he didn't want to leave.

"Do you want to stay for dinner?" she asked nervously.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I've got extra – I was gonna have it for lunch but I'd like... I mean I don't want... I mean, you're more than welcome..." she sighed, "If only I could form a complete sentence."

He laughed, "Oh, you can't expect too much. You make beautiful babies.

"I didn't do this one on my own." She grinned, "So you'll stay?"

He nodded

"You want to play with him while I go get it ready?"


	8. bear necessities

"It's ready." Susan walked into James' room to find Mark sitting cross-legged, holding a very animated James in his lap. "Hey." She smiled, crouching down. She took James so Mark could stand.

"He likes you." She hoped she didn't sound patronizing, "I mean, he won't go to just anyone without a fuss. He's a good judge of character."

Mark appreciated her words with a simple smile. He didn't trust himself to speak. This was all too much to take in. His mind was blank – except for amazement at what stood right before him: Susan. Holding _their_ son. She was... he couldn't describe her.

"What?" she questioned his stare, not allowing herself the luxury of analyzing it.

"Nothing." He shook his head, "So, what are we having?"

"It's not flash." She turned and he followed her to the kitchen, "Mashed potatoes, sausages and broccoli." She said, a little ashamed.

"Sounds great." He recognized her embarrassment but frankly she could have served up boiled cabbage and Tabasco sauce and he wouldn't have minded.

She laid James in a cushioned rocker. He waved his pudgy arms at the coloured shapes hung above his chest. Mark sat down still watching, still awestruck.

"It can't be that bad." She noticed he hadn't touched his plate.

"Oh," he laughed, "Sorry, I'm a little distracted."

"It's okay. It's a lot to take in."

He nodded and ate. He'd not realized how hungry he was.

She smiled at his enthusiasm for the humble meal and poured him a glass of juice, "Sorry, it's all I've got. I can't have alcohol while I'm breastfeeding."

"It's fine. This is great. Really," he felt like she needed convincing, "I'd rather be here than anywhere." Okay, he hadn't meant it to sound like that.

"Thank you." She looked at James, trying to ignore the possible implications of his words, passing it off as nervousness.

"Thank you – for dinner, and for letting me see him and..."

"I'm glad you came."

"So am I. But I should probably head off and let you get on with things." He stood awkwardly, putting his plate in the sink.

"Okay." She led him to the door, leaving James happily rocking in the kitchen. "So, when do you head home?"

"I've got a few days off so I'll just see what happens."

"Would you like to come over tomorrow?"

He nodded.

"Well, Chloe usually drops Suzie off before work, so just come whenever and we could take them down to the park?"

He swallowed, "sounds great." He smiled.

"It's good to see you again." She said boldly.

"It's good to see you too." He met her eyes, "Goodnight."

"See you tomorrow." She disappeared inside.

Mark walked down the stairs bewildered. He'd never be the same. James was amazing, so beautiful and helpless. And Susan... no. Now was not the time for their relationship to get complicated.

Who was he kidding? They were way past complicated.


	9. citrus

"Come in Chloe!" Susan yelled, pulling the tie around her robe into a knot, virtually ignoring her sister's arrival and making for James' cot. How could such a tiny mouth make that much noise? And not only volume but somehow this was like nails on a blackboard as far as unbearable went. She picked him up, holding him to her chest, stepping from side to side, trying to comfort him.

"You alright?" Mark stepped in behind her.

"Oh, hi." She spun around, all too aware that James had pulled her robe open just a little more than she was comfortable with. "I thought you were Chloe." She tried to adjust James at her chest but only made the robe gape more.

"I heard James, so I figured you were busy."

"You probably heard him down the street. Any suggestions?"

"Earmuffs?"

She laughed and looked at James. "What's the matter?"

"I can take him if you want to..."

"Yeah, I'll just get dressed."

"No, I mean... go for it... but I meant you could get him a bottle."

She smiled at his nervousness and closed the gap between them, putting James in his arms. They were both all too aware of how happy-family they looked with both their arms around James.

"Thanks." Susan took off to hide her embarrassment.

Don't do that, she scolded herself, don't look at him – don't even think of him like that. Oh my gosh, what am I doing? She sighed, sitting on her bed. Don't think about it. She pulled on a shirt and jeans. She ruffled her hair in the mirror and threw the bedspread generally over the bed. It almost looked tidy. Next: bottle. She was running out but breastfeeding in front of Mark was just a little out of her comfort zone. She laughed at the thought, scampering barefoot to the kitchen. She leant on the bench while the bottle was in the microwave. Then she noticed the silence. James had stopped crying!

She found them in the lounge, James chewing on Mark's finger.

"I wonder how long it will take him to realize there's no milk in there." Mark smiled triumphantly.

"I'll remember that." She handed him the bottle, sitting down beside them.

"Sleep well?" he filled the silence, knowing it wasn't helping matters to be wondering how she looked that beautiful at this time in the morning.

"Oh, you know." She shrugged.

"Not a clue." He looked at her.

"I feed him at ten, just before I go to bed, and then again at two or something. I just find it really hard to sleep afterwards." She admitted with a well-timed yawn.

"Well, we could swap sometime – I mean you could get a decent night's sleep and I could feed him if you left enough bottles." He offered without a second thought.

"You know you can stay here, the couch folds out."

"Oh... yeah, but I don't know if that'd be the best idea." He hardly trusted himself. Not that he'd try anything but he might begin to hope again... no. Definitely a bad idea.

"How are you planning to feed James in the middle of the night if you're not here?"

"I hadn't really thought about it."

"Oh, come on Mark. We're both adults. And I'm irrational and hormonal but I have an excuse." She played with James' hand. "If my memory serves right you're the rational one."

"It's a tough job but someone's got to do it." he joked but turned serious, "It's just not that simple."

"No it never was." She avoided his eyes, "but you're still welcome."

"Hey sis!" Chloe barged in.

Suzie ran into the lounge.

"Hey honey," Susan hugged her niece, "In the lounge Chloe." She yelled.

"Oh, hey." Chloe entered.

"Chloe, this is Mark." Susan knew Chloe would recognize the name from the 'explain how you're pregnant and we're not going to believe the immaculate conception story' conversation.

"Oh, right. Nice to meet you Mark. I have to run, I'm late. But I'll see you tonight. Bye honey." She waved to her daughter and disappeared.

Suzie was happily playing with James, getting him to hold her fingers and bouncing a doll on elastic over his pudgy stomach.

"Bye." Susan said redundantly and raised her eyebrows to Mark in acknowledgement that this was normal.

"So, where's she working?"

"Accounting firm. Secretary."

"So she's...?"

"Yep, clean. But she's still the same as ever." Susan shrugged.

He nodded.

"I really would like you to stay." She got back to what she'd been saying before Chloe's timely and dramatic arrival. "I'd like the adult company." She nodded at Suzie, giving her permission to pull a cardboard box out from under the coffee table. It was half-full of toys. "But it's your choice."

"Yeah, I'll stay." He didn't let himself analyze it. She wanted him there? He'd stay. He'd never been able to tell her 'no'. Why start now? Plus, she was right. Reasonable adults. He could pull that off. It was only a few days. Well... maybe. "Um, I was thinking."

"Uh oh." She teased.

He laughed nervously, "You know how I said I didn't want to miss everything?"

She nodded.

"I don't want to drive down every other weekend to see you. I mean, I'll miss everything. He's not going to time his first words and his first steps to my days off.

She knew he was right. But she needed him. Maybe she should move back? She dreaded what he might say next.

"So, I was thinking of maybe seeing if I could get a transfer."

Okay, she wasn't expecting that, "What?"

"I mean, only if you want me to. I don't have to..." he felt like a fool.

"No, I mean... that's huge. You can't just pack up and leave everything. I couldn't ask you to do that."

"You didn't ask me. And you left everything behind – Suzie's not even your child. James is mine. I can't just go home and get on with life as usual. I don't even want to."

"But what about..."

"To be honest, I don't have that much keeping me there anyway. I have work, and a few friends and an apartment," with too many memories of you.

She swallowed, "That's a big decision to make in one night."

"Well, it's not in concrete yet. But if you'd prefer – if it wouldn't help, I won't come."

"No. Of course I want you here. I just... I don't want you to regret it and resent," she sighed, "me."

"I won't. Plus, James is as much my responsibility as he is yours." He took her hand.

"True." She relented, finally allowing herself to believe this might last, that he might stick around, that she might not be completely alone with James.

Suzie climbed onto her aunt's lap.

"Hey honey."

"sings?"

"You want to go to the swings?" She turned to Mark, "Can you hold the fort while I get some things together?"

He nodded.

Suzie climbed onto Mark's lap from where Susan left her on the couch.


	10. squeeze again

Susan pulled out the sofa bed and spread a sheet over it.

"I can do that." Mark felt useless.

"I got it. You want to grab some blankets – in that cupboard." She pointed to the hallway.

They threw the blankets over, taking two corners each, working in silence.

"You want a drink?" Susan passed him a pillow.

"Only if you're having one." He sat on the edge of the sofa bed.

"Tea?"

"Sure."

"Go ahead and watch TV or put on some music if you like. Make yourself at home."

He flicked on the TV, leaning on the back of the sofa, his legs stretched out in front of him on top of the covers. He pulled his glasses off, trying to relax his eyes.

Susan soon joined him, handing him a hot mug and sitting beside him, her legs tucked up under her.

"It's been a good day." She ignored the quiet hum of a sitcom and canned laughter.

He nodded in reply, smiling at her.

"You okay?" she asked, not quite satisfied with his reply.

"Oh, yeah. Just a bit... um... culture shocked."

She looked confused.

"I mean – it's been a while since I was around little kids. I'm just a bit out of my depth."

"I think you're doing incredibly well. What are you talking about? Suzie would hardly let you go and James won't even go to Chloe like that – and she's been around since he was born. You're doing amazingly well."

He smiled but didn't look convinced.

"It's not just the kids. I don't want things to be weird between us." This was easier to verbalize at night.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." She looked him in the eye. "Our friendship has been dragged through the mud. It's not what it was. I mean, maybe it could be better for it but..."

"I hope so." He agreed simply, "I always regretted not keeping in touch cause, I don't know if you realized, but you were always really important to me." He mumbled those last words hoping they sounded better in her ears than they did in his.

"Thank you." She was touched. "I hope you know you meant a lot to me as well... Even with everything that's happened. I've never regretted," she took a deep breath, what to say? "I don't regret anything about us." Not entirely true. "Except for leaving like I did."

"You can't go back." He didn't want another apology. He put his mug on the floor and got under the covers, saying he was cold and she didn't have to go yet.

She lay back on the couch relaxed. It struck her as a little odd that she was so relaxed. Here she was, with Mark, who, the last time she'd seen him, they'd both been naked and she'd been sneaking out of his house while he slept. A year later with no contact and a child to boot they could lie in the same bed (well, sofa-bed, no difference except which room it lives in) and watch television like there was nothing to think about except what to get out of the freezer for tomorrow night's dinner.

"So I'm guessing you were working before..." Mark asked.

"Ah, yeah. At the hospital – you probably passed it on your way into town. But I was only there for seven months."

"So you're on maternity leave?"

"Yup, but only for another three weeks or so."

He knew that wasn't long. "Why so little?"

"Cause I hadn't been there that long." She shrugged. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I guess childcare is the way to go." Her mock enthusiasm hung for a moment.

"What if you didn't go back for longer?"

"No, I'd lose my residency."

He nodded. It would be very chivalrous to plan on supporting Susan and James on his salary but Susan wasn't your average person who'd jump at the chance of more time off, especially when it meant taking money or assistance from someone else. She probably even missed the job. "I want to help if you'll let me." Yeah, leave it up to her.

"I know, but you have to work too – even if you do move here. Lets just see what happens – it's still a few weeks away."

He nodded and turned off the television – finding the ads suddenly unbearably irritating.

"I just think you should take some time to think about things – we don't have to decide everything immediately." She said.

"Oh, I know." Time to change the subject. The future was too uncertain. The past was dangerous territory as well. Talk about James. There was so much he didn't know he hardly knew what to ask. "You said that James was three weeks premature. So what happened? I mean, were you okay?"

"Well, we're fine." She smiled at his awkward question, but she knew what he was getting at. "It was pretty scary. It was half way through my last week at work and I was running a trauma with three interns," he raised his eyebrows and she just laughed, "Anyway, I'd had false contractions before so I was trying to ignore them. But they got really bad and I went to sit down but another contraction hit and I didn't quite manage to hide it and I ended up on the gurney in the next room.

He smiled but he was far more interested in the giving-birth bit than the inappropriate timing. "So everything was okay?"

"Ah, they had James in the NICU at first. For a week – his lungs had some growing to do."

"Were you okay?"

She nodded, not so convincingly, "Oh, yeah, I was fine. Kept me in hospital for ages though. I lost a bit of blood. And the obstetrician said I'd been working too hard." She shook her head like the mere idea was ludicrous.

"I'd believe it." he raised his eyebrows skeptically.

"I was fine. They were just paranoid. But since James was in there they kept me as well. That was a very slow two weeks. But Mum came down, and Chloe was pawning off the advice – I almost throttled her." She grinned a little wickedly.

He laughed.

She toyed with her empty teacup, accidentally spilling the dregs onto her jeans. She was getting sleepy. And getting up and changed and brushing her teeth seemed like an absolute mission. He was laughing at her, edging his way down the bed so that he was lying down, slowly drifting off as they talked.

As she fell asleep she pulled the covers over herself and rolled towards him.

* * *

She was aware of him getting up – twice. His watch alarm would go off, it would take a few long seconds for that to wake him, for him to realize where he was and why his alarm was going off, and then he'd roll out of bed, leaving it a bit cooler, and return to warm it up again just by being there.

* * *

The open curtains let the sun stream straight in the window onto her face. Mark was facing her so it was getting the back of his head but it penetrated her eyelids, waking her. She moved a little closer to Mark so his shadow would cover her and she let her eyes fall shut luxuriously. Just as she was drifting off again his hand slipped around her waist. She opened her eyes instantly, searching his face for an explanation, only to find he was still fast asleep.

No! Don't do that. This isn't good. I shouldn't want this after all we've been through and how badly I treated him. Plus, he's just dreaming. It doesn't mean anything. This is probably the last thing he wants. He could be dreaming about anyone, I'm just the fool that fell asleep in his bed. I'm just the fool that hasn't seen him for a year and still wants him. I even expect him to want me. I am a fool.

She tried to roll away but he just held her tighter. In his dream this was a game. But she was far too awake to be able to enjoy it like she wanted to.

Then he whispered something. She stopped focusing on his hand at her stomach and looked at his lips to try and figure out what he was saying. That was her first mistake, looking at his lips. Her second was deciphering what he said.

"I love you." A contented sigh, and then, "Susan, just stay."

What she didn't know was that he knew this dream well. He even knew he was dreaming. But the inevitable conclusion never changed his hope that in the dream she'd stay. Only this time the body under his hand didn't get up, quickly tucking the covers over the void. His shock at this alternative-reality grabbed him out of the dream, his eyes opening tellingly.

She was still looking at his lips.

He pulled his hand back. "Sorry. I was..." ooh, cringe, awkward.

"It's okay," she smiled, "You were dreaming," shrug, "Don't worry about it."

What the hell was he thinking? It had just been a dream, clearly enough, but still... what if he'd said something? Thank God he'd only touched her stomach. Flip, this was stupid. He sat up at the same moment she did. Then he remembered why he'd stayed the night – to look after James. He checked his watch.

"It's okay, I'll feed him." She escaped into James' room, shutting the door.


	11. sweet juice edit

Mark took a quick shower, shaved, and gave himself a serious talking to. If he'd been at the hotel he would have done this out loud but he decided on the silent-abuse-type for Susan's bathroom mirror. And when he came out in clean clothes, carrying a ball of not-so-clean ones, he'd almost convinced himself that he'd never even look at her like that again. The dreams would end. She was James' mother. She would be a friend. And after all that they'd been through that was no small achievement. So that was all. And no little thing. He'd convinced himself he could ignore the 'but...' that wanted to slip in after every resolution when he stepped into the kitchen.

Susan was holding a butter knife, loaded with dripping honey, over bare toast. She had the phone pinned between her ear and her shoulder as she spread the honey. "Yeah." She sighed and rolled her eyes at Mark. "Chloe." The person on the other end of the phone clearly was not listening to her. "I have to go. I'll see you soon." She hung up. "That was pleasant."

"Everything okay?"

Susan nodded. "Toast?"

"I can do it."

She stepped aside, taking her toast from the bread board and leaning against the bench so Mark had room to make his breakfast. "We're babysitting again."

"Oh." He didn't mind at all.

"Yeah. I hope you didn't hope to see the sights."

He grinned, turning to her. "No, I actually came without a thought for the sights of Phoenix."

She smiled. There was nothing remarkable about their breakfast conversation, other than a remarkable avoidance of how they'd woken up only an hour ago, but she so enjoyed every moment. She simply enjoyed him. Somehow she was totally at ease.

Mark insisted on tidying up the breakfast things so she went and got James up and changed, his room tidied, curtains open, blankets smoothed... bouncing him on her hip she returned to the living room and found Mark flipping through the TV guide.

"Hey stranger." She spoke to Mark but looked at James.

Mark stood, dropping the TV guide onto the coffee table, a displaceable smile on his lips as he watched his son wriggle weakly in her arms. "Hi."

She grinned, "He's pretty active in the morning. You want to?"

He nodded and she put the child in his arms.

He couldn't help but laugh. The whole scene was incredible to him.

Susan stepped back and took a deep breath. "That suits you."

"Why thank you." He sat back on the sofa, which he'd recently just turned back into a sofa, leaving his bedding inside the fold out bed.

Susan laughed, relaxed and happier than she'd been in a while.

"You know what?" he looked up from James. "I'm really glad that... I know it wasn't planned but..." he smiled, knowing there was probably no correct way to dig himself out of this one, "what I mean is..."

"It's okay." She put her hand on his arm, pulling it away after only a moment. "I know what you mean. There's no way I could regret him." She toyed with her baby's hand then looked back at the father. "Or you."

He was gob smacked for a second, then pulled his eyes away from hers.

She couldn't help but be a disappointed – he clearly regretted her even if he couldn't regret James. Maybe she'd been reading everything wrong. In a dream and other unguarded moments he'd been quite clear but most of the time his guard was up and he wasn't making the same mistake twice. Only she didn't see it as a mistake. She didn't even want to. She wanted to see it as the difficult beginnings of the two greatest things in her life: her son and his father. Before Mark had showed up she'd got comfortable with having her son and ignoring as best she could every whisper of hope toward the father. But he was making it harder and harder to let go of that tiny whisper of hope. And maybe he was doing so because he didn't want her to let go of that dream they'd once shared.


	12. drought

She parked at the airport while he insisted that she could just drop him at the departure gate.

She carried James on her hip. He carried his luggage, a ticket tucked in his pocket. And they didn't speak between the car and the check in desk.

"So, I've got about twenty minutes." Mark filled the silence.

"Hot chocolate sounds good to me." Susan smiled.

He nodded and reached out to James, "May I?"

She grinned and let him take the child from her arms.

* * *

They sat down with hot drinks in a suddenly awkward silence only broken by James gurgling in the highchair between them.

"So I'll let you know as soon as I can when I can come down next."

She nodded.

"It might take a while to organize a transfer but I'll visit again."

She smiled. "You might want to give yourself some time – to make sure you're sure about all this."

He held her eye contact, waiting for her to finish then spoke with finality. "I'm sure."

She slowly smiled. "I can't believe you're doing this. I mean I can... it's hardly out of character it's just..." she shrugged.

"Susan."

"Yeah?"

"I'm sure okay?" He went to take her hand but changed his mind at the last moment.

She nodded, trying to believe him with everything she had. He was making a huge sacrifice. And it wasn't that she didn't want him there. Rather, what she feared was his resentment if he moved and regretted doing so later.

She finished her hot chocolate as the intercom announced Mark's flight.

"Good timing." He stood and picked up James.

Susan followed them to the departure gate.

"I'll see you soon okay?"

James giggled and Mark kissed his forehead then passed him to Susan.

"Bye."

She smiled and took his hand as he pulled them back from James. She squeezed it once. "Look after you. See ya."

"You too." He backed away.


	13. not quite ripe

She tucked James in and headed to the kitchen to clean up. It was a small job but it always seemed to grow overnight if she left it till morning.

When the kitchen was clean she sat down in the living room. She turned the TV on and resumed tidying, throwing toys from the sofa toward the box in the corner of the room. She hadn't practiced her free throws in a while and it showed.

There was a movie on the TV. Some romantic comedy. Not helpful.

She turned it off and went to her room, switching off lights as she went.

-

Mark lifted the phone to dial. But with a sigh he put it down and walked away restlessly. His things were packed. The moving company were picking up boxes tomorrow. The furniture had gone to some storage place in Phoenix. It wasn't like he couldn't put the words together. He just wanted to tell her in person. For some reason he thought it was important to see how she reacted.

Everything was signed and sealed. Even if she wasn't thrilled he couldn't change his mind now. And he kept telling himself the only reason he was moving was James. Susan had nothing to do with it – biology aside.

He should have worked today – his last day in Chicago. There was nothing left to do. He'd booked a flight for the next night – once the moving company had finished. His two suitcases were closed, ready to go to Doug's tonight – cause his bed was gone.

He sat on the windowsill with a sigh. He looked out, imagining he was looking toward phoenix and wishing he were already there. He could be with her. Not 'with her' with her but, in the same room, apartment... whatever was better than here.

It only took him another hour or so to realize the moving company didn't need his help and Chicago had other flights to Phoenix much sooner than tomorrow bloody night.

-

She wasn't sure why she was awake. She always slept so deeply and something had woken her but she couldn't remember what.

She was standing over James' bed when she heard a knock at the door.

Fear seized her automatically. It was after midnight and Chloe never showed up this late. She hoped for a minute it might be Mark but... no way. He would have called.

Her surprised grin gave her away. She was more than happy to see him, reaching into a somehow perfectly appropriate embrace then leading him through to the lounge. He pulled out the sofa bed while she made two cups of tea.

He apologized for not calling and for arriving so late. She said it was a great surprise. The both hoped they weren't flirting and decided it didn't really matter. As he finished his tea he finally forced himself to deliver the big news.

"So, I did get a transfer." Might as well be straight to the point.

"Really? That's great." She looked a little surprise. It had only been three weeks since she'd seen him and hospitals were rarely that obliging.

"Yeah."

"When do you...?"

He lifted his shoulders with a smile. "I'm here. Now."

Her eyes widened in surprise – more surprise. But she was grinning... laughing. He couldn't quite believe it. And then he regretted it because she was giving him hope and hope only meant more pain.

"Mark, that's fantastic. I..." she shook her head, still grinning. "You should have called."

"Yeah, I know, I just... it's silly, no real reason."

She laughed.

"Well, is it okay if I stay here for a while until I can find a place."

She nodded. "Yeah, definitely. Of course."

"Well, lets catch up tomorrow – cause I pulled you out of bed didn't I?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. But, okay... actually I should probably feed James while I'm up."

"I can do it." He said quickly.

She smiled at his enthusiasm. She was hoping again. He was too good to be true. But he was true. More so than she deserved. "There's a bottle in the fridge."

"Do I microwave it?"

"Yeah – ninety seconds on low."

She watched him feeding James for a little while – feeling the luxury of it and only forcing herself to walk away when she realised she might seem not to trust him. "Goodnight." She whispered into the dark room.

Mark looked up from James, whispering, "thank you."

She waved him away, his thanks unnecessary, and left.


	14. breakfast orange juice

When she woke up to silence her first reaction was concern. But, too tired to jump into panic mode she lay in bed, tangled in her douvet, appreciating her own bed after a week out of it.

She could smell toast... breakfast. Mark must be making breakfast... God bless him! She smiled and sat up, suddenly keen to get up out of bed – a feeling she hadn't experienced since well before she'd had James.

In singlet and pyjama pants she wandered out of her room and followed her nose to the kitchen. Before she made her presence known she peeked in the door to see Mark bouncing James on his hip – clearly clean and fed – God bless him! Mark was trying to butter toast with one hand.

She stepped into the room, smelling eggs, and maybe bacon... she tried not to get her hopes up. "I got it." She smiled at him and took the knife.

"Thanks." Mark grinned. "Good sleep?"

"Oh, you have no idea." She almost moaned in appreciation.

Mark laughed and she pretended not to be affected by him.

"Do you want to take James? I can finish up the rest." He opened the oven, not letting her see past him.

"Sure. What are we having?" She took James from him, desperately ignoring the heat of his touch in all its endearing innocence.

"You'll see." He raised his eyebrows. She took the hint and left the kitchen, dancing James around in her arms as she went.

"I think we're getting spoilt munchkin. If you could eat solids your mouth would be watering right now baby." She put James in his rocker and set the table, opening the curtains as she walked past, and a couple of windows to let in the fresh air.

The table set she returned to the kitchen, "Just getting orange juice," she opened the fridge, clearly trying to get a peek at breakfast, "and some glasses." She leant past him, her body softly brushing against his, driving him crazy like she had no idea.

"Susan..." he smiled at her, trying to look annoyed and failing.

"Sorry." She grinned and turned to leave.

"It's all ready – I'll just serve up – so take a seat and relax."

"Yeah, yeah." She pretended to gripe as she left the room.

Mark laughed, which made her smile, which made James laugh and started the cycle all over again.

He was still laughing when he brought out there plates.

Susan was lounging, her feet up on another chair, yesterday's newspaper folded over to the weather page, in her hands. But she was up in a flash, eyes wide at the feast he'd prepared. Poached eggs, fresh tomato quarters, strawberries, yoghurt and the toast she'd buttered in triangles on the edge of each plate.

"Damn..."

Mark laughed and put the plates down. "I got hungry at about five o'clock this morning. Then I thought about food for an hour or so and got inspired."

"He woke you up at five?" Susan cringed, picking up a strawberry with her fork

Mark nodded, mouth full of toast and egg. "Yeah, but the really horrible thing is that I actually missed that."

"Oh gosh. You have got problems."

"You have no idea."

Susan laughed, "This is incredible."

"Mmm," he agreed, but he was looking at her rather than his plate. She met his eyes and he quickly looked at James.

"So, when do you start your job?" she changed the subject afraid of where this could lead and yet desperately wanting to find out.

"Um, next week. Yeah, but I haven't fixed any timetable yet and they said it would be flexible so... how bout you? When do you have to go back?"

"Couple of weeks now." She took a deep breath. "I'm looking forward to it but it's going to be weird."

"You'll do great – I mean you coped so well when you had Suzie."

Susan laughed, clearly in disagreement.

"I'm not saying it was a piece of cake but you did really well then and hopefully I can take some of the heat off this time around."

She smiled. And slowly nodded. "Thank you."

He smiled almost shyly.

"I guess we've both done the single parenting thing at one point or another. But it's strange to rely on someone else when you've been doing things on your own for so long."

He nodded understandingly. "I won't let you down."

"No, I know you won't." she smiled, "but it's still scary to... I guess to trust someone. I mean, especially with a kid and all."

"I don't think it comes natural to either of us to have someone else look after us."

"Exactly – we're doctors – we're the ones supposed to be doing the looking after." She smiled.

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

They ate in silence for a while, then Mark brought up the elephant in the room. "Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here for a while?"

"Oh, absolutely. Of course. Yeah. I don't mind. Plus, you're a better cook than me."

"This was hardly complicated."

"Well I that case we'll have to do it more often."

Mark smiled, "Cause I'll start looking for an apartment today but these things can take a while and I don't want to be in the way."

She cocked her head to one side, her eyes in earnest, "You're not in the way."

"Well no, not now, but I'm bribing you with gourmet food and I've only been here a short while – you have no idea how frustrating I am to live with."

"I think I've known you long enough to know how frustrating you are – and if you really piss me off it'll take more than eggs on toast."

He grinned, "What happened to gourmet breakfast?"

"I'm trying not to inflate your ego because then you'll really be unbearable."

He loved how she teased him, and how it gave him an excuse to kick her lightly under the table.

"Hey!" she pulled her chair back. "Very gentleman like."

"I thought so." He grinned, getting caught in a staring contest, sinking into her eyes like he vowed not to do.

She laughed to get out of it and took their dishes out, using all her willpower not to flirt back.


	15. still thirsty

Susan felt as though she'd been working for days. In reality, it was one shift. Busy for Phoenix but nothing compared to what she'd survived in Chicago. Back then she could have done a double shift at that intensity. Right now she wasn't a hundred percent sure she could make it up the last flight of steps to her apartment. The anticipation of getting off her feet, holding James and seeing Mark got her through the door.

"Hi." She called and shut the door behind her.

"Hey." Mark called from the living room.

She followed the sound of his voice and found him kneeling in front of a naked baby, part way through changing a nappy.

"Having fun?"

He just grinned at her.

With a sigh she dropped onto the sofa.

"So you survived your first day back?"

"Just."

He checked the waistband and picked James up. Susan reached over to take him while Mark put away the dirty nappy and wipes.

"Hey you." She kissed James forehead, then his nose.

"Guess what?" Mark came back into the room.

"What?" she looked up at him as he sat beside her.

"I found an apartment."

"Oh." She didn't quite hide her disappointment.

"Yeah, it's a nice place. Small, but that's all I need really. And only three blocks away... on East San Miguel."

Susan smiled. "Nice."

Mark nodded – a little awkward. "You'll still have to put up with me for a little while longer."

"Are you kidding?" she looked at him earnestly. "Really, no hurry whatsoever. Stay as long as you like."

He smiled. "So, what do you feel like for dinner?"

"Sleep." She laughed. "Sorry, I'm exhausted, I won't be much for good company this evening."

"It's okay, you can sleep. I'll take James and pick up some take out – you can just heat it up when you wake."

"That'd be great." She could definitely handle that. He was so good to her. "Just a box of Chinese or something. I don't really mind." She stood up and handed James back to Mark.

"The one with the crunchy noodles right."

She grinned. Then yawned. And he laughed at her.

"Go on, go to bed."

Her eyes were grateful and he knew how much she appreciated it. Then she reached up to give him a hug, speaking softly, her lips just beneath his ear, "thank you."


	16. choking on the pips

James was asleep when Susan woke up. She walked past his room on her way to the kitchen for a drink. She checked the fridge – two boxes of Chinese food – for a moment, in her tiredness she'd thought it had been a dream. She tipped one box onto a plate and put it in the microwave.

Mark was on his bed (the couch...) flicking across TV channels and pretending to read a medical journal from the select dozen or so he'd brought with him (as opposed to the stack he'd packed in boxes which were now somewhere in limbo, I mean transit...).

"Thank you." She lifted her plate as if to make a toast.

"Yeah, it's not bad."

"Not bad for a Chinese restaurant called _Danny's_" she grinned.

Mark moved his books over and she sat down on the edge of the sofa bed, one sock clad foot tucked up under her and that knee serving as the table for her plate.

"Feel better?" he turned off the TV.

"Yeah. Much. Probably won't sleep for hours now though."

"You will if you read this." He closed the journal and put it on the floor. "So, good first day?"

"Yeah. It's gonna take me a while to get used to again but I think I'll manage."

"Of course you will."

She nodded, her mouth full. "What did you two get up to today?"

"Not much – bit of shopping, stopped at the park for a swing – for James." He grinned teasing.

She grinned. He fit this role so perfectly. Not that he was perfect, she knew better than that, but he just loved to be James' dad and that was what James needed. Plus it made Mark so happy – happier than Susan had seen him... ever, as far as she could remember. She loved to watch him talk about James and play with him... anything. The happy-family dream was addictive. She pulled herself out of it as she finished her plate.

"Anything on TV?"

"No." he passed her the remote. "You want to go for a walk?"

"What about James?"

"He can come."

Susan thought for a moment, "He does sleep deeply doesn't he?"

Mark nodded.

"A walk sounds great."

Susan pushed the pram at first, down their street and along a block of shops. At the end was a breezy café, doors wide open in the desert heat, Norah Jones wafting out with the scent of coffee and dessert on its wings.

"That smells good." Mark spoke softly in their comfortable silence.

"Yeah. They have a killer tiramisu."

Mark stopped walking in front of the menu board.

"And their breakfast bagels are on the divine side of gourmet. We'll have to come some time."

Mark grinned, "I could eat tiramisu now."

Susan looked at him for a second, not sure if the smile on her lips was elicited by the sparkle in his eyes or the thought of coffee moose and chocolate sponge and that illusive liqueur they staff refused to name. Bit of both perhaps. She nodded and followed him inside.

He pulled out a chair from the corner table closest to the open windows then pulled another chair away so there was room for the pram. Only a handful of customers were scattered around the room. The music was soft and she could hear their voices but couldn't decipher anything spoken. Mark's words to the waiter were clear though,

"How big is the tiramisu?"

The waiter must have shown him a glass, Susan's back was to them so she only guessed. "You and your wife could have one each." He suggested.

Mark stuttered, "Ah, yeah. And um..."

"Coffee?"

Mark turned around, "Susan, coffee?"

She turned around, pretending she hadn't been listening, "Ah, just an apple juice would be great."

Mark nodded and turned back, "and a tall black for me. Thanks."

He sat back down beside Susan but kept his eyes on James or the scenery. Both of which were appealing options – the sunset over the desert was stunning and James drooling in his sleep was irresistible.

"Are you okay?"

He finally looked up, "Yeah, of course."

"Because it's inevitable – you know that."

"What's inevitable?"

"People assuming we're all one happy family." She looked down at James, resenting the fact that a fiery intensity that was one moment undeniable attraction, could the next moment be a terrifying taunt to tell him how she felt for him – that it hadn't changed, or if it had, it was only more perfect and profound and adoring desperation.

"I guess."

They sat in silence until their dessert came. And other than a few words of appreciation (and the occasional groan of pleasure – as you'll know if you've ever fallen in love over/with tiramisu) they ate in silence.

"Is that so bad?" Susan asked eventually.

Mark took a deep breath and met her eyes without an answer. He wasn't sure how long he could keep this up. The assumption that they were all one happy family was only a constant tease with what he couldn't have. Pretending he didn't love her more with every breath was hard enough. He didn't really give a damn what people thought but ignoring the potential there had been between him and Susan was so consuming that any reminder was like a kick in the wrong place.

Susan finished her apple juice and pushed back her chair. "I'm tired. I think I'll take James home."

Mark pushed his chair back to follow her.

"It's okay, you take your time."

"No, I'm done." He pushed his half empty cup into the centre of the table and stood up. "Good choice."

"Yeah, bit of comfort food goes a long way." She smiled, trying to patch things over and pretend she couldn't be offended.

"True." Mark pulled the pram to him then pushed it out onto the foot path. Susan followed slowly, taking deliberate deep breaths and trying to ignore the tears pricking the back of her eyes.


	17. soup and toast, sleepless in seattle, an...

Mark's new landlord talked him into buying a car – a 'good deal' just for his new tenant. And all of Mark's stuff fit in the car. At least – everything he had with him. His furniture was still a couple of days away but Susan donated the mattress off her sofa bed and a few things for the kitchen.

"I'll get them back to you as soon as my stuff arrives." He took the box she offered and put it on the floor below the passenger seat.

"No hurry."

"Thanks." He shut the passenger side door. He didn't know quite what to say next.

Chloe came out of Susan's building, James in her arms and little Suzie walking at her side.

"There's my boy." Mark stepped around Susan and took James from Chloe, lifting him high. James giggled right on cue and Susan was smiling again. She'd convinced herself that asking him to stay wasn't an option. He clearly didn't want to but if she made it clear she wanted him to stay he probably would. If she could redo the past eighteen months or two years she was sure neither of them would be going anywhere without the other right now. Oh, what she would do to have that chance. But now she could only accept the consequences of her own stupidity, her fear and independence that now only looked like arrogance.

Mark put James in her arms and kissed her on the cheek – lingering just long enough to through her off, once again.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He crossed to the driver's side of the car and waved to James. With a simple smile, and only a fleeting tinge of regret which Susan assumed she'd imagined, he got into the car and drove away.

* * *

Christmas decorations were up way too early. As usual. But it seemed earlier this year – as it did every year. Susan spotted Mark and James going into the staff lounge on her way to her last patient. They had alternate shifts most of the time, and they swapped James from the doctor starting to the doctor finishing every twelve hours or so. The routine wasn't difficult to keep up with. The sleep patterns on the other hand took a while to get used to but they managed most of the time. Until a week before Christmas when Mark got the kind of head cold that makes you want to curl up and die in a warm, dark room with a cold compress on your eyes.

Susan took the week off, despite the boss's many complaints, to look after James and with the intention of helping Mark to soup and blankets and cold compresses and vicoden... But he insisted she keep James away from his contagious sniffle.

It was Thursday before Chloe offered to take James.

Susan let herself in the back door, calling out a hello so she wouldn't scare him. He didn't reply and she found him sitting on the floor in the kitchen, leaning against the cupboards, looking like death on legs.

"Oh, man." She knelt down and helped him up and back to bed.

"I was just going to get some ice but I got dizzy." He lay back and let her pull the covers up.

"I'll get it." She took off to the kitchen and returned to find him asleep. The glass of ice she deposited by his bed and found a thermometer.

He groaned and rolled away when she tried to put it in his ear.

She laughed softly and sat down on the side of his bed that he'd just vacated. With one hand on his warm neck she held the thermometer in place, "It'll only be a second."

102. No wonder he felt awful. "When did you last take vicoden?"

"I dunno." He mumbled and rolled onto his back, forcing his eyes open.

She found the packet and a half empty glass of water amongst the clutter by his bed.

"I'm fine. You shouldn't be here. If you get this then who's going to look after James?" he took the pills.

"I have a strong immune system and by the looks of it, enough white blood cells for the both of us." She took the glass and put it back beside his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Fantastic." He let his eyes shut as his head fell back onto the pillow.

She watched him, wanting to touch him but holding back... for a moment or two. A warm damp flannel sat on the pillow beside her so she picked it up and wrapped some ice in it then dabbed it softly on his forehead.

"Thank you." He whispered.

She held it in one place and stroked the side of his face with her other hand, not even thinking about what she was doing.

He almost opened his eyes but he wanted to enjoy her touch while it lasted. He was so hooked on her. The minuscule contact when transferring James from one pair of arms to the other wasn't nearly enough. For once, in the stupor of exhaustion and a dead weighted head, he let himself get lost in that touch.

In a moment he turned his head and kissed her hand.

Susan stopped in her tracks.

Mark pretended he was asleep.

She slowly got up. Her first instinct was to run away but actually leaving was more than she could summon. So she tidied up, putting the numerous glasses and mugs in the sink and filling a clean one with iced water. She cleared up the empty medication boxes and dirty tissues (including an empty box). She found a clean flannel and exchanged it for the stale one on his forehead.

While she worked Mark stopped pretending to sleep and actually slept. Better than he had all week only because he wasn't alone and of all the people that could occupy his tiny apartment she was top of the list, filling the void better than she knew.

Dishes clean and ice trays full she returned to his room and sat at his bedside again, unable to resist though she knew such familiarity couldn't be wise.

He opened his eyes with a sleepy smile.

"Hey." She whispered in the dim light of a bedside lamp. "Would you like something to eat?"

"You don't have to..." he started.

She smiled, "And you want to get up and get it yourself?"

"Not particularly."

She took the flannel from his head. "Soup and toast? There's a couple of tins in your cupboard."

"That'd be amazing." He lifted himself up to a sitting position.

"Okay." She smiled and left again.

She moved the TV into his room and sat beside him like they'd done so many times on her sofa bed. He'd woken up when the vicoden kicked in and the soup was finished. But now they were both getting sleepy. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan were chasing each other around New York in the umpteenth repeat of Sleepless in Seattle.

"I don't get it." Mark turned to Susan.

"What?"

"I mean, they don't even know each other and yet they think they're supposed to be together."

"It's just a movie." Susan grinned, turning to him as another ad break came on. "But I'm guessing you don't believe in 'meant to be' then."

He shrugged, "I don't know. I guess not. I thought Jen and I were 'meant to be' and I wrong – ten years later. I mean how are you supposed to know? And who decides? I think maybe it's just a cop out – people can't take responsibility for the fact that they screwed something up so they say it just wasn't meant to be."

"Yeah, I guess." She knew enough about men to know that he wasn't implying anything. But if he had been he probably would have been right.

"What do you reckon?" he took his glass from his bedside and took several gulps.

She watched him, glad he seemed to be feeling better, and glad that maybe that was partly her doing. "I don't know. I've certainly never been really convinced that something's destiny. But that doesn't mean it's not possible."

"If everything that happens is 'meant to be' then that just doesn't account for so many things. Like... well, for example, if someone had told me I'd be here two years ago I would have called a psych consult. But would I take it back? No – of course not. And does that mean all this was 'meant to be'?" he shrugged. "Maybe it was meant to be different and we just missed the boat."

She met his eyes, a little afraid of what she'd find.

"Yeah. It could be very different."

He nodded.

"I mean, if I'd never left Chicago..."

He smiled – knowing full well he probably would have proposed marriage by now if he'd been given the chance.

"Very different." She left all she thought unsaid.

"But there's no way we can ever know which road is better cause we only get to travel one road."

She nodded, "very deep." She smiled, breaking the tension as the ad break ended.


	18. an orange a day

NOVEMBER WARNING: contains Christmas spirit or something frightfully similar.

(also, season four spoilers... hehe)

* * *

Mark came back from his mother's funeral, his father and daughter in tow. His original plan had been to spend Christmas with Susan and James, Chloe, Joe and Suzie... Mark didn't really want to think about plans now though – it seemed offensive that the world in general didn't stop for a moment though his mother had died and the festive goop that pervaded every radio station and store only made it worse.

Rachel put up the sparse decorations she could find in his semi-unpacked apartment while her grandfather worked his way through his wife's record collection and a bottle of scotch.

"You need a Christmas tree." Rachel suggested over a grilled cheese sandwich lunch.

"We could get a cactus." Her grandfather teased.

"Come on Dad, we've got to have a tree. That tinsel looks stupid on the windows."

"Then take it down."

"But it's Christmas, we've got to do something."

"Look," Mark sighed, "I'm not much with a turkey and I haven't really had a chance to think about Christmas."

He was glad when the phone rang.

"Hi, Mark here." He answered, ignoring Rachel's glare.

"Hey." Susan's familiar voice was a momentary relief. "How are you?"

"Okay. We just got back yesterday."

"We?"

"Rachel and Dad came back for Christmas."

"Oh, nice." Susan sounded genuinely pleased. "So how are you doing?"

"I'm okay." He was far from convincing.

"Okay. Well if you want to come see James sometime..."

"I'd love to."

"Okay, well just let us know – and bring your Dad and Rachel for Christmas day at Chloe's."

"You sure that'd be okay?"

"Absolutely. Yeah, the more the merrier – you should see the size of the turkey we picked out – we'll be lucky to finish it before new years."

Mark laughed then realised he had a captive audience who hadn't seen him laugh in days. He made a time for late that afternoon to visit James then said goodbye.

"How's Susan?" his Dad asked suspiciously.

"She's fine dad. We can go see James this afternoon if you like."

Rachel was keen. Her grandfather just smiled with expectations in his eyes.

Mark tried to ignore every suggestion and finish his lunch.

* * *

Susan put James in Rachel's willing arms. Mark had used too many familiar excuses to get out of Christmas shopping so his daughter and father conspired against him, with a little help from Susan.

"You kids have fun." Mark's dad waved from the door as Susan got into Mark's car. He and Rachel were babysitting, both Susan and Mark had the evening off, so no more excuses.

The mall wasn't too busy for Christmas, but far from quiet. Mark hadn't even thought about what he could get everyone but by some miracle, an hour later he had four bags and gifts for six people – Dad, Rachel, James, Chloe and Joe. Only Suzie and Susan to go.

"Really, you don't have to get me anything." Susan insisted. "I mean it. I'm not just being polite. You hate Christmas shopping and I'm only helping in your daughter's evil plan so that you don't ostracize everyone who loves you." She laughed a little, "Really. I don't need anything."

"That's not the point Susan."

"Come on, you're bound to find something for Suzie in here."

He followed her into a brilliantly colourful and noisy toy shop. Susan had found a mobile of a hand crafted angel with bells and glitter. Mark chose a toy reindeer that pooped brown jelly beans when the head was pushed down. He was actually giggling. Susan only wanted to know if he thought chocolate coated coffee beans would fit and with his assurance that they would – considering the simple mechanics of it – she got one for herself as well.

"Okay. We're all done." She grinned and headed for the carpark.

"No we're not."

She looked confused though she knew exactly what he still wanted to get.

"We need..." mark thought desperately – a delay... "egg nog."

"that's gross."

"Okay, then get a milkshake or an icecream or a cup of coffee, a hot chocolate."

"Okay then." They turned and went in the other direction, toward the closest café.

"Can you order me a hot chocolate?" Mark asked as she sat down in a booth.

"Where are you going?" she looked up at him, menu in hand.

"Um, I forgot something." He took off before she could ask more.

She rolled her eyes and perused the menu.

He had it wrapped and put in an unmarked bag – so no clues. She didn't ask, just smiled over her hot chocolate and looked forward to her surprise.

"So that wasn't too painful was it?" she asked as she finished her cup.

He still had a bit to go, "No. But you do improve it. Shopping isn't exactly my forte."

"Well no more for another year."

"Oh I think I can handle a birthday here and there."

Susan smiled. She'd done a lot of that tonight. So had Mark. He seemed happier. She knew his mum's death had thrown him but he was back on his feet from what she could tell.

"Not bad." He finished his hot chocolate. "So, what are you working next week?"

"Days from Tuesday onward. You?"

"Same. Not again."

"We'll have to talk to Cherie again."

Mark nodded. Cherie wasn't so bad but you'd think 'opposite shifts' wasn't too complicated an agreement. But even when the timetables were right it was pretty full on. Either working – in an ER, nonetheless – or solo-parenting. They had very little off-time. Mark had been chewing over another possibility but nothing had come to mind.

"It's not easy, even when they do get our shifts right." Susan seemed to read his mind.

He smiled, "No, it's not." He held her eyes for a moment, "Maybe..."

"Yeah?"

"Well, maybe we could both cut back a bit."

"They won't like that."

"No." he agreed.

"But you might be right. I mean," she took a deep breath, "It was easier when you were living with us – not that getting your own place was a bad idea it just..."

"Made this a little more difficult."

"And this situation was never going to be easy."

They sat in silence for a moment.

Mark spoke first. "It think we'll be okay. I mean, you're amazing with him and finding some balance might take a while but we can just play it by air – if you want to cut back, or if you want me to help out more..."

"Mark, it's okay." She smiled, "You do heaps. It's just that James is either with you or me – it's never all three of us and maybe it's just some silly old fashioned notion but..."

"Not it's not." He agreed. "Mum, Dad and kids is what I always wanted."

"Me too." She almost whispered.

The air between them was so intense it was hard to breath.

She cleared it with a smile. "We should get back."

Mark nodded and stood, "Yeah. Thanks for helping with the shopping."


	19. creme de la creme

Mark put the presents in the boot, Rachel and Dad in the back seat and made it to Susan's, so far unscathed by Christmas. Rachel was far from pleased when he wouldn't let her open presents yet.

"We're all doing them together at Chloe's."

"Fine." Rachel put on the headphones of the disc man Jen had got her.

Susan came out with James in his car seat in one hand and three shopping bags full of gifts precariously in the other.

"Merry Christmas." She grinned.

Mark took James' seat, "Merry Christmas." He buckled James in while Susan piled in the back.

Rachel removed her head phones and offered to take one of the bags on her lap.

"Thanks." Susan shut the door and the car pulled away from the curb.

"Careful, she's a present monger." Mark warned, catching Susan's eye in his rear vision mirror.

"At least I'm not the grinch."

Susan just laughed, holding Mark's eyes in the mirror for a moment longer than was probably wise.

* * *

Little Suzie and Rachel tore into the presents as soon as they were let loose, the adults only a minute or two behind. Rachel helped James with his when she'd finished with her own and insisted they all listen to the backstreet boys Christmas album Susan had picked out.

Susan escaped their scowls to help in the kitchen. She'd opened all the presents for her – except Mark's. It wasn't under the tree with the others and she wouldn't ask but the curiosity was making her restless. The Turkey still had another hour to go but she could grate some chocolate for melting... to dip the strawberries in.

It was quite the feast when it came and everyone was full well before the plates were empty. Rachel helped Chloe clear the table, keen for desert.

"I think I'll have to walk off the first course before there'll be any room for more." Mark's father rubbed his stomach affectionately.

"There's some fun ice sculptures at the park." Chloe suggested.

"They won't last long at this temperature but we could go down and check them out." Joe took piled up the last of the dirty plates and handed them to Chloe.

Susan offered to stay and make the finishing touches on desert and Mark had one ritual he wasn't willing to miss –

"After that much food, you have to have an afternoon nap."

His dad made a comment about being an old man. Mark only glared at him then got comfortable in the recliner Joe had recommended.

* * *

Everyone gone, the house was quiet. Mark was asleep once Susan was finished with the desert. She took a cream covered spoon with her, licking it clean when she found Mark sleeping in the lounge. She'd had enough so she scouped the last of the cream off the spoon with one finger and let it drop onto his nose.

Sleepily he wiped it all over his face and within moments was wide awake. Susan was laughing at him in a very endearing way.

"What is it?" he sat up.

"Cream." She sounded almost innocent.

He shook his head, "Oh no you didn't."

She laughed again. He was up in a flash, the cream that hadn't soaked into his skin, cupped in one hand quickly finding her face. She was laughing too hard to squeal.

Giggling and wrestling, their faces covered in cream, neither thinking about their actions until they stopped.

She was so close he could feel her breath on his chin. "I win." She spoke breathlessly, about to smear the last down the side of his face.

He caught her hand. "I don't think so." He knew he should pull away from her but those eyes drew him in again and again.

She smiled nervously, her hands feeling very warm on his shoulders but not quite able to let go.

"I can't do this." Mark breathed

"Do what?" she dreaded his answer.

"Pretend..." he took a slow breath, "I can't keep pretending."

"What are you pretending?" Susan asked confused.

"I know it was over a year ago but I just can't let you go and pretending that I _don't_ love you is pure torment."

She hadn't been expecting that.

The look of shock on her face had been what he feared.

He let her go and stepped back bewildered. He couldn't just leave half way through Christmas dinner but he needed to get out of there.

"Why didn't you say something?" she stepped closer to him, reaching out.

He met her eyes and in a few moments came up with a bite size answer. "I hardly see Rachel – I don't want to miss my Child growing up... again. I don't want to miss anything with James. But if you knew... it wasn't worth the risk."

"What if it was?" she waited for him to register her meaning but he only looked confused, "Mark. I have always... I never stopped wanting you. I thought you only wanted James and I've messed this up so bad I couldn't ask any more of you but... I still love you."

He held her eyes for a moment and when he found the truth of her words in them he closed the space between them with one step, breathing her name in awestruck adoration the moment before he kissed her.

A minute or so later she came up for air, her hands tracing his face and neck, refreshing a long buried memory. "You should have said something."

He smiled, "You should have said something."

She kissed him again then hugged him tight. "I missed you."

"I've been here for weeks."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." He smiled cheekily.

She grinned, still stunned.

Then with a pointless knock at the door Mark's father walked in, followed by the rest of the walking party...


	20. orange mush

Then with a pointless knock at the door Mark's father walked in, followed by the rest of the walking party…

"Oh, sorry." Mark's father turned to leave again and Joe walked straight into him. Then Joe saw Mark and Susan, suddenly a reasonable distance apart but both blushing up to their eyeballs and speechless.

"Oh, sorry." Joe turned away.

"What's going on?" Chloe asked from behind them.

Several ums later Chloe had pushed past to see nothing vaguely suspicious.

"So, is desert ready?" Rachel entered hand-in-hand with Suzie.

Susan smiled at the pair of them and nodded, heading to the kitchen.

"Perhaps we should be more specific about what we meant by dessert." Mark's father winked at him. Mark only glared in reply and followed them all back to the dinner table.

"So what happened?" was the far from subtle question Mark's father decided as the best technique for bringing up the elephant in the room.

"Nothing." Mark lied, grinning ridiculously.

"Sure."

* * *

"Seems to warm for Christmas." Susan stepped outside with Mark, waiting for Rachel to finish her goodbyes to Suzie and Mark's dad to finish his thank yous to Joe and Chloe.

Mark held James, asleep on his shoulder. "It does." He smiled at her, clearly with something else on his mind.

She held his lingering eye contact as the others appeared at the door.

"Okay, we'll see you all before you head back to Chicago." Joe said cordially.

"Thanks for coming! Bye." Chloe had Suzie on her hip and waved the child's hand instead of her own.

"Bye. Thanks." Susan smiled and got into the car with the others.

They were at Susan's all too soon. She wanted to talk to him, or at least kiss him again… she smiled at the prospect. James was staying with Mark tonight and she didn't particularly want to spend Christmas night alone but thanks to a few stolen moments with Mark earlier that afternoon she could handle just about anything right now.

"Why don't you come for supper?" Mark's father saved the day.

"Oh, I…" Susan played polite

"If you want." Mark turned to her bashfully hopeful.

"Oh, it's your night with James, I don't want to intrude."

"Susan, you're not intruding. It's Christmas." Mark forgot his bashfulness.

* * *

At Mark's Rachel unloaded her loot with her grandfather's help then they themselves up infront of the tv with hot chocolates and generous slices of Christmas cake.

James woke up as Susan took him to his room. She was breast feeding him when Mark came in.

"Oh, sorry." He turned to go.

"Mark, it's okay, really – nothing you haven't seen before."

He turned back timidly and smiled at her, no words to describe the beauty of the scene before him.

"So, not a bad day as far as Christmases go?" Susan put James on the floor and got a clean nappy.

"I'll do that." Mark knelt down and took the nappy from her. "It_ was_ a good day. In fact it was a great day." He grinned at her.

She knelt down on the floor beside him, letting James hold her finger, smiling at her child while Mark finished up.

"Bed time eh?" Mark picked James up and put him down again in his cot. He stopped to just look at him for a moment as his tiny eyes fluttered shut.

Susan put her hand on Mark's shoulder. "He's amazing eh." She whispered.

"Yeah." Mark took a deep breath then turned to her. "gets it fromhis mother."

"and his father – take's two to tango." She ran her hand from his shoulder to the side of his face adoringly.

Mark smiled, "As I recall," he kissed her hand feverishly, "You're an incredible dancer."

Susan laughed, leaning into him, so close she could feel his heart beating, his warm breath on her face.

"I'm so lost." He breathed in, overwhelmed by her, "I'm in real trouble with you."

She smiled. "You're not the only one." The intensity in his eyes took her breath away. "I'll be careful. Promise." She muttered before her voice disappeared

He kissed her a little roughly in his desperation. He'd been craving this for a year. By some cruel design he'd had a taste of her and he could never be satisfied till he could taste her again. Somehow she tasted even better than he remembered – so soft and warm and by some absolute miracle she stillneeded him like oxygen. He was clearly not the only one totally intoxicated by the encounter.

She pulled back for a moment, for a breath, and caught that disarming hopeless adoration than was sure to undo her. "I should go." Her voice was barely audible.

Mark understood and stepped back. He couldn't get enough of her but now, with his father and daughter in the next room, was hardly the time to make any attempt at quenching that thirst.

"If I don't go now I never will." She smiled at him and headed to the living room, quickly saying goodbye to the others.

"Bye." They called in unison, barely moving their eyes from the tv.

Mark smiled at her, his hand hovering at the small of her back.

She turned to face him en route to the front door, only waiting till they were out of sight before she kissed him again. Desperation mounting he pushed her back against the wall of the hallway.

Thethud shocked them out of it for a moment.

"You okay?" Mark's dad called out.

"Yeah, it's nothing." Mark replied, laughing silently and opening the front door.

Susan went through and he followed her outside.

"It got a bit cooler." She commented as they got into Mark's car.

"I'm pretty warm." He smiled.

"Yeah, maybe it just feels cold in comparison."

"Oh. Wait I forgot something." Mark got out of the car and dashed back inside.

She watched him go with a little curiosity then turned on the radio.

_I saw mommy kissing santa claus…_ Susan laughed as Mark ran back to the car putting an unmarked gift bag at Susan's feet. Then Susan remembered she hadn't gotten his gift yet.

She forgot the song in her curiosity, until Mark mentioned it.

"Nice choice."

"Oh… yeah." She smiled at him and looked at the road trying to ignore the bag at her feet while the Jackson five just kept singing.

_I saw mommy tickle santa claus…_

At Susan's Mark stopped the car but left the motor running. Susan undid her belt and turned to him. "So…"

"So."

"Would you like to come in?"

He smiled, "I would. But I think we've aroused enough suspicion for one day."

"Yes." She nodded, not quite sure how to leave.

"But I'll change my mind if you stick around any longer." She suddenly seemed very close.

"Oh. We can't have that happening." She leaned closer for a moment then pulled away and opened her door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"You forgot something." He picked up the bag and she leant back into the car, expecting another kiss that took her breath and will to leave away. "Merry Christmas." He whispered, his lips only inches from hers.

She took his hand – the one holding the gift bag – and with one knee on the passenger seat to steady herself she kissed him, herfree hand finding the side of his neck.

"That's not fair." He muttered as they broke away.

"What?" a smile flitted across her swollen lips.

"How am I supposed to turn you down?"

"You're not. It's okay – tonight isn't the best time but…" he kissed her again, pulling her further into the car, his hand on her waist running up her side, his thumb finding a nostalgic softness.

He realised he was getting carried away and pulled away again. "Okay."

She exhaled then smiled at him.

"Come for breakfast tomorrow." He let go of her hand so she was left holding her gift.

She nodded silently not sure if she'd find her voice before breakfast.

"Thank you." She mouthed, got out of the car properly and shut the door.

He watched her walk inside then drove away, still trying to catch his breath. But even when his breathing was back to normal the grin wasn't about to go anywhere.


	21. alternative entertainment

Susan forced herself not to tear open the gift straight away. In fact she saved it – walking around as she went through her bed time routine. She was about to explode when she finally got into bed, the paper bag held delicately in her hands.

She took a deep breath and pulled out the contents: two parcels in tissue paper and gold ribbon. It was tantalizingly simple. She laughed out loud with joy and slipped first the parcel from the ribbon, unwrapping it with so much anticipation she could hardly contain it.

It was a silver angel christmas decoration, made of wire and ribbon and tinsel. So beautiful.

Smiling, she unwrapped the second package to find a jewellery box… and inside, with a deep breath, she found a silver chain with a square pendant, turquoise in a silver frame…

She exhaled quickly. Wow. It was so… perfect. Not too much but far from being too little… okay, maybe it was too much.

She was out of bed like a flash, holding it around her neck, admiring the reflection in the mirror. She'd wear it to breakfast.

Hardly containing her excitement she put it back in the box and sat it beside the angel on her bedside table. She was more than ready to sleep, but… her head was spinning, her heart hadn't slowed from when he'd kissed her goodbye and she kept laughing, feeling a little ridiculous, alone in a dark room.

* * *

Eight o'clock sounded about right for a breakfast date. Susan was up well before that – feeling on top of the world despite so little sleep. She had a bath, a little pampering, tidied up, and made her bed… twice.

Then she decided she'd walk to Mark's rather than drive – then she could leave now and save herself from repeating any other household chores.

It was a nice morning – a little cool, but not compared to christmas most places, and the sun was trying to shine through the clouds, making everything glary and yet, in her eyes at least, glowing.

She didn't need her jacket anymore when she got to Mark's.

"I got it!" she heard Mark's father call just before the door opened. "Good morning Susan." He grinned. He knew something.

She smiled, "Good morning."

"Come in."

They found Rachel watching TV, letting James play with her hand as he lay in the rocker beside her.

Susan knelt down and touched James while she greeted Rachel.

Mark's father sat on the sofa and said, "Mark's in the kitchen."

"Oh right." Susan stood up, "You got him Rachel?"

"Yeah." She was a little distracted but Susan just smiled and headed to the kitchen dropping her bag and jacket beside the sofa en route.

"Hey you." She stopped in the doorway with a grin.

Mark jumped and spun around. "Oh, you gave me a fright."

Susan laughed and stepped toward him.

"Hi." He put down the knife and turned to her

"Hi." She mimicked him.

He hugged her tenderly. "Good timing."

"Ooh, looks good." She saw the pancake mix over his shoulder and the diced fruit beside it.

"Thank you."

"Oh," she pulled back only far enough to look him in the eyes, "Thank you for your gift. It's beautiful – they're both beautiful."

Mark smiled and traced the skin along the necklace with one finger, "My thoughts exactly." He kissed her softly and she leant in for more, only breaking apart to laugh. The whole situation was so much more than either had expected, or dared to admit, even to themselves, that they hoped for.

Susan cooked the pancakes while Mark finished cutting the fruit, only sporadically distracted by the alternative entertainment the other offered.


	22. measure of a man

Rachel was happy for hours – appreciating the lack of snow as it allowed her to play outside without wearing half her wardrobe to keep the chill out. Her grandfather graciously took James and went to sit on the porch and 'supervise', leaving Mark and Susan to clean up breakfast.

"So…" she hoisted herself up so she sat on the edge of the kitchen bench top.

"So…" Mark smiled and took her hands, standing in front of her. "Dishes, or…"

She laughed, which was exactly what he'd wanted. "Or…" she lifted his hands to her lips, closing her eyes each moment her lips touched his hands.

Her hands slipped down his chest as he touched her face adoringly, stopping only moments before he kissed her, holding her eyes captive in his own.

"What?" she asked of his hesitation.

He shook his head. "You're incredible."

She leant in and kissed him, her hands slipping around his waist, pulling him closer desperately.

The broke apart a minute later, laughing, realising they were easily going to get carried away.

Mark lifted her down from the bench top but didn't let her go. She, too, held him tight.

"Don't let go." She whispered, her eyes shut in attempt to heighten her other senses. She didn't want to miss a thing. The touch of his skin, the warmth of his scent, the sound of his breathing with each rise of his chest against hers, and then there was the taste – but she held back.

"This is more than I ever thought…" he needn't finish the sentence.

"Me either." She held tighter. "Don't let me mess this up."

He heard the tears in the back of her throat and hoped they wouldn't trigger his own. He pulled back to look at her and smiled into her eyes. "If we mess this up we'll mess it up together."

She smiled, "and then we can fix it together."

He nodded. "I'll never let you go again." The vulnerability was exhilarating.

"Oh Mark." She ran her hand down his face and neck, letting her fingertips rest on his chest, just above his heart. "I don't deserve this. But I promise," she shook her head, swallowing tears, and let her palm rest on his chest, "I'll be careful with your heart."

"Thank you." He covered her hand with his own, his voice barely audible.

He was leaning in to kiss her again when his father knocked redundantly on the kitchen doorframe and stood on the threshold with James in his arms.

"This one's hungry."

"Oh." Susan turned, blushing, "thanks." She took James from Mark's father, "I'll be right back."

"How those dishes coming along?" Mark's father asked as Susan left the room.

Mark didn't answer.

"So I take it you two are back on?"

"Ah, yeah." Mark nodded as a grin spread over his face. His dad smiled and he laughed, joy overflowing unexpectedly. "I thought I'd lost her."

"she's a very lucky woman."

"Dad…"

"No, let me say it. I mean I love her to bits – she's brilliant and funny and beautiful as ever. I could ask nothing more for you. But you… I'm proud of you. This whole," he waved his hands around a little, "situation could never be easy and you didn't run away. You really, you know, love your family – and you did so even when you got nothing in return – which is somehow more meaningful, so… yeah."

"Thank you dad."

"No, no…" he stepped forward and hugged his son.


End file.
